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by Lee Anne Bennett Martinez
Belfair, WA

My name is Lee Anne Bennett Martinez.  I am a survivor of a most heinous medical procedure.  I am an abortion survivor.  Unfortunately, my son, Matthew Dean, did not survive, but I know that he wants his mother's story told.
    I was pressured by my mother and father to have an abortion when I was four months pregnant.  I had no idea what an abortion was - all I knew is that I was eighteen and scared.  The pregnancy was a result of a one night stand and I thought I should go away and have the baby and place him for adoption, but that was not what happened.
    What happened was that my son was burned to death in my womb due to a saline injection injected by a man I had never met before the procedure.  I felt my son's wee little body struggling, but was helpless to stop the procedure.  I became very ill with cramping, diarrhea and vomiting.  I was in labor for ten or so hours... finally, mercifully, I was knocked out and the baby was removed from me.  When I awoke, every part of my body ached.  My breast milk, intended for the baby, leaked for years from my breasts.
    From that day forward and for many days to come, I chose to be in denial.  I told myself the lies that society tells us... that I needed to be thankful that I was able to have an abortion and not be saddled with a baby.  I had to finish my college education and have a career of teaching.
    Silently, though, I missed my baby.  I wondered what he would be like, I even had a fantasy that he had survived the abortion and that the man who had injected the saline solution into me was raising him.  One day, I rationalized, I would be able to be reunited with him.
    Vocally, I told others that abortion was fine.  I told others that it was only right that women had the opportunity to chose their destiny and not be burdened by a child.
    Years later, I met the man who was to become my husband.  I knew I had to tell him that I had had an abortion - not something one really talks about... in fact, I was told never to tell anyone that I had had an abortion – be quiet I was told, be SILENT.
    My fiancé looked at me and said, “You killed your baby.”  I was indignant.  That was the first time — sixteen years after my abortion that I had heard the truth about my abortion.
    Sixteen years of self destructive behavior - alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity, depression, low self esteem, poor decision making, suicidal thoughts, those were the other facts of my abortion.
    When we married, we wanted to start a family right away - that right away never came.  No more babies for me.  I hit rock bottom and I realized that I had indeed, through this “medical procedure” killed my baby and that I needed to come to terms with that very sad fact.
    Through the grace of God, I have come to terms with my abortion.  I have come to terms that I permitted my baby, Matthew Dean, to be slaughtered so that I could have a life that... was . . . very difficult and very empty.
    Without the mercy, love and compassion of Jesus Christ, I would not be able to be standing here before you today.  For I know that through His forgiveness, I have the hope that one day, I will indeed be reunited with my son.
    I want every one here to know that my abortion hurt me in ways that I never could have imagined.  I still cry - thirty five years later. I miss my son - I miss my grandchildren, for surely, my son would have been a wonderful father, even though I was not a good mother to him.
    I am your sister, your daughter, your mother, you aunt…  I am every woman – not bad, not good, I am just like you.  I made a mistake, which was compounded by murder and for that, my life changed irrevocably.  If I keep silent, no one will benefit from my experience.  My prayer is and will be that no woman should have to undergo abortion ever again.
    If you are a woman who has had an abortion, please know that there is help for you.  If you are a man whose child has been aborted, there is also help.  If you are a family member of an aborted child – a grandparent, uncle, aunt… there is help.
    Finally, if you are a woman considering abortion, please, come talk with me.  Please know I have been in your shoes and I would give up everything I have today to undo that one day, to have my son standing here with me today.
    God Bless us all.

© Copyright 2007 Lee Anne Martinez (used with permission of author)